Some poor bastard from Canada arrived on my blog post tonight after Googling:

“how to fix your relationship when your wife thinks she is always right”.

I feel sick that you went looking for help… and got me, my friend. And at the same time, I totally feel you. But the frustration you must have been feeling as you filled out that search box with the verbal summation of your pain…I cringe for you.

If you find your way back, we are here for you. One empathetic male and a small sea of female judgment await the story of your grief to use as our emotional volleyball…but I will tell you right now – It’s not gonna be pretty. You are not right, nor am I, nor have we ever been.

You see, Timmy, they hold the keys to the kingdom. They are beautiful, intelligent, emotionally gifted, soft and warm, and they hold the only prize that our dumb asses think is worthy of seeking.

So suck it up, tell her you understand where she is coming from, and despite your genetic short-straw, you will try harder.

And once again, I feel terrible you landed here. To quote the movie Dune…

“They tried and failed?“

“They tried and died.“

All of life’s greatest mysteries are answered in the movies, my friend. Another time.

Nannette at GirlFriday (I love her blog!!) submitted the following question: “What is your biggest, most secreted guilty pleasure?” Thanks to Nannette for playing Stump the Moron…If you have a question you would like to ask Jay, submit it here.

In the interest of keeping this an NC-17 blog, my deepest desires and guiltiest pleasures have always been food related…essentially, if you were a woman who was interested in me at all, you simply had to do little more than take one of your shoes, batter it, drop it in the deep frier, and ask, “Are you man enough?”

And I was.

I am a fiend for deep fried anything…I would like to be buried with a bucket of KFC in a dumpster in the back of KFC, with pall bearers gainfully employed by, you guessed it, the local KFC.

And if I somehow avoid hell, I have to believe that the only other option available to me is the Texas State Fair, or as my medical wife likes to call it, “Triage”. This year, they have a bevy of delicacies awaiting me including “Deep Fried Coke”, “Chicken Fried Bacon”, and another that defies comprehension, “Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Waffle Balls”.

I am here to tell you, if I one day can stomach the smell of burnt hair, I will be seen hobbling into the Texas-OU game with my once in a lifetime indulgence, “Jay’s Chicken Fried Strawberry Marinated Thigh ‘O Plenty”…with chocolate dipping sauce.

Last year I got pulled over for speeding. In an effort to return some sanity to the house one afternoon, I had taken my daughter for a brief outing, and was pulled over on a side street I never used for going 40 in a 30. I begged and pleaded with the officer, tried to describe the situation at home that day, told him what happens to people in my profession if they get speeding tickets, preyed on his sense of fatherhood and humanity.

He returned to my car with my ticket. $200 bucks, pal. Next time slow down.

This morning, my wife left for work in a hurry, in the dark, the same way she has for 10 years. As she blasted down the street doing 54 in a 40 trying to figure out how to defog her windshield, she was pulled over by the city’s finest. When asked if she knew how fast she was going, she replied, “No, I was too busy trying to unfog my windshield.”

And then it happened.

“Well, that’s ok ma’am, because I don’t give tickets to nurses.”

Now. Am I pissed because we just saved $200 and a trip to court to seek out deferred adjudication…AGAIN? No.

Am I pissed because she gets away with it and I cant? Maybe.

Am I pissed because Johnny Law gets to use his badge to flirt with my wife? ABSOLUTELY. I know it’s gonna sound pathetic, but I would have RATHER she got the ticket, and feel like the guy had done his job properly.

And finally, the person I am most pissed at is…me. Last year I voted to pay for more police in our city. So essentially, I handed that guy a twenty, and asked him to hit on my wife.

I want my vote back.

So happy my wife is good at these things, I simply do not have a hair designer mentality or skillset. My daughter pulled all this out as soon as she got to school, incidentally…told her teacher “her head hurt”.

I know the hypocrisy behind what I am about to say. I blog, I share my opinions, I make judgments, I impose my beliefs on others, I get it. That being said, I don’t make statements about about my opinions on hotbutton issues or politics as though they are fact. They are my opinions, and I am entitled to them, the same as you are entitled to yours.

Enter “Jane”.

(we’ll call her Jane as she is a lady I knew from high school, and by not using her real name, I am trying to show her more decency that she is showing others.)

Jane filled out her status on Facebook one day with the following:

“Jane cannot believe that any thinking woman would vote for (candidate team) – esp. b/c of (candidate team member). UGH!”

any.thinking.woman.

Lemme get this straight, Janie. Any woman who is affiliated with the party in competition with your candidates doesn’t think. Hasn’t thought it through. Doesn’t get it.

Now, as a friend says, I am a male and therefore subject to testosterone poisoning. But for today’s discussion, I represent the millions of Americans, male and female, who hold a contrary opinion to yours. And as an emotionally gifted American male who realizes we are the less intelligent gender, I briefly join the ranks of brilliant females across this great nation to address your insulting comment.

How glorious it must be for you to awaken each morning knowing that you are part of the group of people that are just “right”. What a relief it must be not to be a part of the group of people who are so empirically “wrong”. All the intelligent, rational, and opinionated women I know will be THRILLED to learn that instead of taking their own thoughtless stance on candidate selection, they can simply follow your Solomon-esque lead, and never be forced into any of that icky thinking stuff.

Just a thought, maybe you could make your case for your impending vote, if you must share it at all, and leave out the bigotry. Maybe you could support others who take a stance, even those in the opposition, and actually exercise their voting privilege. Perhaps you just did your candidate a disservice by calling people names for not agreeing with you.

My hope for your near future: an ego deflation and a dose of respect for others. I will try to heed my own call, and find a way to respect the fact that you have this opinion. However, if it requires thought, I guess I’m screwed.

Saw these folks fishing yesterday, and was compelled to introduce them to you. The couple that fishes together, stays together.

There simply are no words.