I missed you crazy kids.Got back from Vegas last night, had to go there on business yet again. No, Im not hiding a girlfriend, boyfriend, or a special bank account that I fund hookers from. Thanks for your confidence.So, I saw an amazing thing yesterday I wanted to share with you. I have such a deep admiration for the arts, whether in the form of music, canvas, or otherwise, and the motivational speaker that my company brought in was a truly incredible guy.He spoke of being a father, an artist, innovation and more, and he really proved to be a man that you found yourself wanting to emulate.And then, he painted. Three canvases on the stage, and as he began to paint on the first, U2's … [Read more...]

Every year you come. You come under the guise of love, of adoration, of pressure and disappointment. You come on Valentines Day. On my least favorite of holidays, you arrive with suddenly-five-dollar-greeting-cards, and incomprehensibly-inflated-fifty-dollar-flowers. Your buddies try to teach my wife that I don't love her every other day of the year, my kids that they aren't popular unless their valentines bag runneth over. One guy in Belgium keeps trying to sell me blood diamonds to profess my love. And I've had it.So this tribute is to you, Conversation Hearts. You sugary and seemingly inconsequential bowl squatter. Your days of jumping onto my waistline as I try to sneak past are nearly … [Read more...]

You know, I don't ask for much.Air conditioning. A hot meal. Some cuddle time.So HOW HARD IS IT? I mean, HOW FRICKIN HARD IS IT?If you need me, I'll be at the Hilton, where they care consistently about my needs.(Figure it out? I bet my OCD buddy Tena knows...If you get it, don't leave it in the comments...let the others squirm until they do. ;-) ) … [Read more...]

Airport Bathrooms.Just to make it clear, this is the #1 reason why I won't travel unless someone threatens me with my job. A "flight delay" doesn't just mean you don't get to take off on time, it means you are sentenced to indefinite usage of a public toilet. May God have mercy on your soul. … [Read more...]