Today I have a very special tribute to three individuals at Kroger whose names I dont even know. But you made a difference in my life, and I want to spend a minute acknowledging you today.

You see, on Sunday, as my wife worked hard to help the sick children in her care at the hospital, I worked hard to not have an aneurysm because of my own kids at home. And after a fairly pleasant morning, lunch, and naptime, we headed into our trouble hours…4-7.

After having been lulled into complacency, and having never learned the 4-7 lesson despite over four years of late day hell, I decided in all my wisdom to take the kids to Kroger to get a couple of things for a nutritious supper. And maybe a treat.

Two kids. One cart. Sit down. Stop yelling. Dont touch your brother. Stop sitting on the bread. Dont throw the bananas over the side. Sit on your bottom. NOW.

Enter Kroger deli employee #1. Please tell me where the Country Crock tubs of mashed potatoes are. (I know…nutritious. Save it.) Other end of the store…by dairy.

Transverse the store. Sit down NOW. Stop touching your brother. Dont sit on the bread. Oh God don’t touch the…sorry ma’am. One more time and you’ll do a time out.

Enter Kroger dairy demon #2. Please tell me where the Country Crock tubs of mashed potatoes are. In that refrigerated case under the deli counter. Thanks so much, can’t wait to tell your deli friend what an incredible moron he is.

Transverse the store. SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN NOW. And NOT on the bread. Get that out of your ear. Oh my sweet mary, if you put your mouth on that one more time I am not driving you to the hospital. If I have to talk to you one more time, no ice cream tonight. Ok, no ice cream tonight. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying. Look how fast we’re going! Look at us go! Weee! SIT YOUR FU….SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN NOW. NOOOO Not the eggs… PLEASE do not touch the wine bottle again…that bottle is the only thing holding daddy together right now. No you cant have a banana. Yes, you can have a banana. SIT DOWN!!!! NOT on the bananas.

Enter Kroger Angel of Death #3. Your coworker told me the Country Crock mashed potatoes were in the dairy. Can you please tell him he is destined to die alone, and tell me where the damn potatoes are? They ARE NOT in the case down here. No? that’s because they are in Dairy. Well, just down from dairy.

By the MEAT.

Whatever I have done to you, Kroger, I wish now I had done it harder. And worse. And just a tad more violently. And to you three servants of Satan himself, this tribute is to you. Because the rooms of hell are filled with the screams of those who don’t know where the Country Crock Mashed Potatoes are, but who pretend they do.

We did not have potatoes. We had ice cream.